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i know it's hard but you gotta get out of bed
cried when I walked home from gym tonight. It's alright, no one noticed because I had my head down, headphones on and long hair swaying in the cool night breeze.

another useful side-effect of having long hair.

stopped briefly when I reached home cos I didn't want anyone to see, then curled up on my bed in my room in the darkness and continued until I went to shower, where the water mingled with my tears before I wiped it all away.

I used to think that I couldn't feel much anymore.

guess there's still something in me that's worth salvaging, worth saving, worth redeeming.

how I feel now is so drastically different from how I felt 24 hours ago. 24 hours ago, foster the people - one of my favourite bands of all time - played a show here, and I was so happy, so euphoric, so excited for those 2 hours.

It was glorious, and it was the closest to pure, undiluted happiness that I've felt in... years?

Now, I replay the concert videos that I've filmed, scroll through the photos I've taken, listen to their music non-stop, just to ignite that bubbly, floaty, heavenly feeling of happiness that makes me feel like I've been sipping on sunshine. 

music has saved, and will always save me.

I've got ruby on repeat, and a tiny part of me wishes that the lyrics, especially those at the end, is something that someone can say to me personally.

but I know that's not going to happen because the walls that I've spent the past few years building are too thick, too high, too impenetrable.

I ran so much tonight.

It's okay, because I'll fall asleep to this song tonight, and hopefully things will be better when I wake up tomorrow.

it's a bad phase, not a bad life.

I wonder how many times I have to repeat that to myself to make myself believe that.